Beyonce's 'If I Were a Boy' is a bit incendiary really, innit? It's basically, "if I were a boy, I'd be way better at it then all you men, because you're all a bit rubbish at it really, aren't you?". An 'Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better' for the 21st century?

I need to be getting more sleep than this, really. =/

photo of the NIGHT bitchez. Saturday was deadly, natch.

Sick as a dog, downing antibiotics, really shouldn't have been drinking... As the pic may show, I did otherwise... =P Amazing night though. Started a bit slow, a lot of people showed up and then bailed to head into town, but the people that stuck around were sound and in the end I didn't get to bed until like, 9 the night morning. Got about 2 hours sleep and was then up for the rest of the day and into town to go to Grizzy Bear with Mairead, heh.

I was literally falling asleep on my feet in the gig, but they were fantastic. Didn't know what to expect at all, but they surpassed pretty much all those unformed expectations. Was an over-18s gig and I wasn't sure if we'd get in, so I sent Mairead ahead with a friend of hers who was about 22 and then went in by myself. She walked in and I got carded. -facepalm- Fail. I was expecting that really, though, which is why I planned things the way I did. Because I am a criminal mastermind, yuss. :3 Went back to Shauna's and crashed on the sofa, which wasn't ideal and yet. One of the other best nights ever. :) Things are good. Better than I expected, tbh. I was expecting to be single again by now, so, uh, obviously?

Did fail the maths test I had the following day, but oh well?

Getting ready for Halloween. Going as a zombie, ripping up my costume, as we speak. (type?)

On that list of things you never want to hear, "Hey, where'd I throw that knife?" ranks pretty high. >_<;

I am just so tired. Today was my first day back at college properly and I don't think I can do this commuting thing.

Sunday morning was really fucking surreal. Stayed up all night Friday and was pretty much out of it all through Saturday until I collapsed into bed about 4 Saturday evening. Woke up at 7, going "Dude, I didn't sleep all day for once!".

...wrong. It turned out to be 7 Sunday morning, rather than 7 Saturday evening. It took me at least 15 minutes to figure this out after I got up, wondering where mam was and why the fire had gone out. And why the sitting room was so cold. And full of washing.

Yeeeah, I'm dumb sometimes.

You'd think after like the 500th time when she's gotten up in the middle of the night to find out that I haven't gone to sleep that my mother would probably not be that surprised, not start screaming at me about it and realise that even if she tries to make me stay up all day as a punishment, it's really not going to work after about 4 in the afternoon when I fall asleep sitting up in the chair.

-_-;

Funnily enough, the surprise from her bursting through the door and shouting and me, while peering blearily from under her hand against the glare of the lights, (the bleary glaring really is a HUGE part of it. makes the image.) usually scares me out of whatever groove I've got going on (gaming, watching tv, reading) and makes me just want to go to bed, because I'm too tired and excited to do anything else after that.

After the last few weeks I think it pertinent to add a crazy mother tag.

I suspect I could make an entire mood theme out of just Arika's expressions from Mai Otome.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I suspect it's possible to make an entire mood theme just out of Arika's expressions. The chances of me actually doing are in the region of slim to nil. So perhaps still possible, but highly improbable?

Reading old livejournal entries is like reading letters from a different life. Some of them resonate so strongly and then some of them- I just don't remember being that person at all, sometimes.

One of the kittens died on Saturday. We took Munch and Big Girl's Blouse to be spayed on Wednesday and Munch just wasn't right again after we took her home. She didn't eat after Wednesday evening and she wasn't drinking. Friday she was really weak and we decided we'd take her to the vet Saturday morning, but she didn't make it. I sat up late (as always really) Friday night and got up to go to the bathroom around 5 and I could hear this crying coming from outside the bathroom window. It freaked the living crap out of me at the time, really. I knew Munch had been curled up under the coal bunker that evening and I just remember being so scared all of a sudden. I crept through the house, trying not to wake mam. Everything sounds so loud that late, when you're scared and flush with adrenaline.

I went out the back and she was just lying there, half out and half under the bunker still, crying at me. She couldn't move and I freaked out a little more. I didn't know what to do, so I just picked her up and cradled her while I sat on the step of the shed. It was so cold and she was so cold and she just lay there in my arms. I think I knew then she wouldn't make it, because I started crying and I remember she looked at me, like it was okay.

Which is crazy, because she was a cat.

I took her in because she was freezing and curled up in the arm chair beside the fireplace with her until I stopped crying and then I went and got mam. We lit a fire and wrapped her in towels to try and warm her up but she died in my arms around 6:40. It was so surreal, really. Her breathing got really labored and then really shallow and then- then it just stopped and suddenly Munch wasn't there anymore. It was like, there was this cat in my arms, but there wasn't anything in it.

There were tears and guilt and anger, but it wasn't really until later when I tried to sleep that I felt as bad as I ended up feeling. I felt so guilty I slept through most of Friday when I should have taken her to vet, I felt so mad at mam, I felt so sad and stupid because it was a cat and I had all this grief that I didn't know what to do with and every time I cried I set mam off again.

I'm trying to be zen about it.

It's just do weird when I look at the other two though like, there was a Munch and now there's not a Munch. Part of me is so pragmatic about it, so accepting of the fact that she's just not there anymore and that makes the rest of me feel guilty and inhuman.

I just keep thinking of how scared she looked right before and whispering into her fur, that I was scared too. I keep hoping it was okay because I was there and she wasn't alone. I keep hoping there's some meaning in the fact that I heard her, that I was in the bathroom right then and that I heard her and she wasn't alone and we didn't just find her in the morning.

But mostly I've been zen and I hate myself for it.

Oh dear, I appear to have pissed off grandad. On the other hand, what the fuck does the man expect when he insists on coming up and being cheery while banging on the roof when I'm tryin'a sleep?

...alright, I may feel slightly guilty. Still though. My bed's right under where he was noise-making. And he scared the living crap outta me. =/

also, i think i've given myself cystitis.

>.<;

I promise one day I will learn to update in a timely and regular manner and not just when another big drama happens.

But really, I have to record this for posterity. So, by this point me and Mairead? Pretty sure we've been broken up for longer than we've been together. Which was, y'know, emo inducing and what all for the first while, but I quickly got over it and soothed my wounded pride (since it was the only real casualty, we actually were pretty good at the 'just friends' thing) and although we hadn't communicated in a while that's just because I'm a lazy tard, or whatevs. We've been texting back and forth the last few days since she was starting back at school and the repeats from my results were coming out (failed two, passed two. better than i expected overall. somewhat looking forward to a year to laze at home. or i was...) and we were generally just catching up. It was nice for us to just be normal again, since it was the most we texted continuously since we broke up and I found the first hesitant texts after the Botanic Gardens fraught, since I didn't quite know where in the sand the lines between 'friendship' and 'relationship' the lines were drawn. And then the other night she texts me saying she really misses me and something to began to nag at me faintly. Like, 'holy crap, there's no chance she wants to get back together when the whole reason we broke up is because she's STRAIGHT, is there?'.

Apparently, there was.

She sent me like, this epic text about how she broke up with me because she wasn't into girls, but she still misses me and maybe she's just into me? so can we try again, but she doesn't want to hurt me if we break up again, so where do we go from here?

So I'm like totes there. I can do casual. There honestly wasn't a huge amount of difference in our relationship either way, except with relationship status there came smoochies, cuddles and a whole lot more AwkwardHelena.

It's just hilarious though. I mean, am I gonna end up being that lesbian who chases a straight girl for years who makes an exception to her heterosexuality just for here, but not enough of one, since they just spend their time following each other in circles, only like, lazy-style, since I sort of blundered into this relationship in the first place and we're not so much following each other around in circles, we just kind of keep tripping across each other instead and neither of us really seem to know what to do with each other.

Also, I totally called this happening last night before I went to sleep and kind of wish I'd ljed it now, so I could be vindicated and smug.

and usually I try to avoid the whole 'word'!(exclamation mark) thing, because of my learnings I've learned that 'word'!(exclamation mark) means something isn't, but it works here, since it's like, our... non-relationship, relationship drama.

I am so v. v. screwed. x_x;

I swear to fucking god, I had a dream about the Japanese syllabaries and Bleighton last night. Like, at the same time. I don't even know, really. On the one hand, I was dreaming about writing out the hiragana and katakana. On the other hand, at the same time, somehow? Leighton and Blake were like, hanging out and being all cuddly and stuff. It's entirely possible I was watching this on the tv or online in my dream (huh, even in my dreams I'm a consumer.). Blake starts getting a bit too cuddly for Leighton, who's pissed cus they're supposed to be on the 'down-low', so to speak. But eventually she succumbs and they kiss in public and out themselves and everything's good. I was so disappointed when I woke up to find out it was a dream. =(

Still fucking weird though.

"I'm only halfway through season 2 and I can safely say that Yumi is as gay as a whole meadow of daisies"

"Marimite would've been 20 times better if Paris Hilton had stayed home crying and Sei would've taken Yumi as her petite soeur."

Fun fact: twittering about the Bleighton groping dream dropped my followers from 5 to 2. I too was shocked and amazed. Apparently lesbian threesomes, even in dreams, are not the currency they once were.

Anyway, the point of this post was actually to rag on 10 Things I Hate About You. The tv show. I'll just give it a moment to let how MONUMENTALLY a bad idea that is sink in. Because it's a pretty bad idea.

The show itself is rather sucktastic, in kind of a strange, car wreck kind of way like really bad fanfiction of itself, except I think the 12 year olds on ff.net would manage to be more canon compliant with the movie than this is. But you still can't look away. To its credit, it does manage to somewhat capture the witty, acerbic banter of the movie, but mostly it's like looking at the film through a kaleidoscope (that word is hard to spell. after 4 goes I gave up and googled it.) especially since it's impossible to tell if they're setting it up as a rehash of the movie or a prequel. It's like a third of it is them doing the prequel bit, where Bianca and Kat have just moved from Ohio (srsly, wtf? That came completely out of left field.) and Bianca's establishing herself as a cool kid while Kat is getting familiar with the principal's office and the other resident delinquents, one third just straight re-telling of shit that happened in the movie, like Cameron learning French for Bianca, and the final third is just the random crap they shoved in there to hold this flimsy idea together, like that white stuff sausage is mostly made out of.

And I want so badly to stop watching, except for the fact that the girl they got to play Kat in this? Hotter than everyone who was in the film version, except perhaps Heath Ledger. And he's a boy. And dead. So it's instantly more relative to my interests. She's played by the chick who was Mosely in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide (And how do I even know this crap?) except she's grown up and gotten all hot and badass. With a fitting wardrobe to boot. (Somewhat reminiscent of a low rent Missy Peregrym to me, actually. But I'm just biased really, everyone's a low rent version of my homegirl Missy P. to me because she's just. that. hot. Also has the same birthday as me, coincidentally enough, which adds mildly disconcerting slightly incestual layers to the whole crush, but if I'm cool with perving after my hot second cousins, I think I can deal with sharing a birthday.)

Now if only they'd quit insisting on putting silly hats on her. Stuff on Kat doesn't work as well as the original.

This is... oddly pertinent. For the most part I've stayed friends with people I've- well, I don't think it would be entirely appropriate to say 'dated', because honestly the only person who that's applied to was Mairead, but shifted about with in that hazy, dangerous grey maelstrom of feelings somewhere between being friends and perhaps not actually dating someone, but wanting to. The Irish have a rather blase attitude towards the whole thing anyway. We don't ask each other out, for the most part. To paraphrase another Irish lj-er I saw addressing the issue recently, we get off in the dark of a nightclub when we're off our faces and five years later we might admit to being in a relationship.

But everyone I was friends with before we started tricking about I've stayed friends with, so I suppose it's a yes? I have a notoriously awkward (among my friends, anyway) relationship with Packie, but still. Still friends. I don't think I even try on purpose really, I just usually feel so responsible and try to be nice. Ergo, friendship.

Just amazed I've known Shane for this long - and been drunk so often with him - without doing anything stupid. I've not even managed that with G =P I think it must be the beard. And the casual attitude towards him groping me.

So, dreams about getting groped in public by Bleighton, y/y?

It was so fucking odd though, first I was actually having this other awesome dream where I was on a skateboard and some other kid was on a bmx and we were riding through a skatepark while an instructor showed us how to do moves and shit. Then at one point I was complaining about how you could only do a certain move off the pipe we were in if you were on a bike, so he opened up like, this secret half pipe, that you had to go around the back to climb up to. So I'm going around to climb up and I spot Blake Lively. Out of nowhere. Weird much? There's other people milling around too or whatever, but still. Blake. I'm very flustered and try to play it cool and just say hi and she's all courtesy, waving and being nice and obviously used to it. So anyway, I climb up the halfpipe and we're standing on this like, viewing ledge, watching the instructor execute a few moves, but the floor keeps coming out from under me and people are telling me to get off, so I slide down this fireman type pole and half-way down I spot Blake and Leighton Meester.

I, of course, am like "Holy crap!" (Yes, even dream me. -sigh-) and Blake's all waving and overenthusiastic in her puppy-like way "My new friend! Hey new friend! Come say hi new friend! and Leighton's all friendly and and cool. I hit the ground and kinda stumble over to make my introductions to Leighton, deathly embarrassed, which Blake thinks is adorable, when one of my own friends tackle hugs me from behind. I'm standing there for at least 2 minutes thinking "Hmm, I wonder what just ran into me and what is this extra weight I now have attached?" before Leighton's all smiley and friendly like "Aren't you gonna introduce you friend?". I turn around and Molly, literally one of my oldest friends, I've known her since we were in nappies, is there. Which is a total non sequitur and still the weirdest part of the dream. I'm not sure if that says more about me or the dream. We all end up hanging out and wandering around, inspecting wares and the like, because we're now in the middle of some outdoor market/mall?

So we're chilling, looking at stuff when suddenly I feel a hand on my chest. I just stop and look down and Blake Lively's like, groping me, with this faux-innocent smile on her face and no one else can see this because of where we're standing. I'm marginally "WTF?" but I let it slide, because, dude. Blake Lively. Groping me. Yes! This continues as we wander around, with Blake getting less and less subtle until she's all out copping a feel in public. People don't seem to mind, funnily enough. Except for Leighton type people. Leighton remedies this by JOINING IN. Holy shit! I know. Molly kind of wanders off at this point, because she's always been able to read a crowd and knows where she's not wanted and we just end up piled into the corner of some shop while they get all handsy and I'm mostly trying not to hyperventilate or pass out or something cool like that. (-groan- I'm a dork even in my dreams.) After a little while, when things are getting kinda hot'n'heavy, Blake has to go do something, so she says she'll be back and leaves me with Leighton. Who is apparently a sex maniac or something from the evil grin on her face. And then things get really serious and THEN I WOKE UP. ARRGGRGHRGH RAGE FLAILIMPOTENTLY. Talk about just when it was getting good. I didn't even have an alarm or anything, it was just like, 5:30 in the afternoon and that's apparently the new time my body clock has set for waking up.

Which is weird but mostly AH! Awesome dream! Ruined prematurely!

Pretty sure this is the dictionary definition of an 'amicable split'.

Lost a girlfriend, entirely possible have gained a new friend for life, however? Still not entirely sure how to feel about that, which I assume is allowed.

Don't think the mother quite grasped the 'girl dating girl' implications of "I got dumped.". Which may prove to be cringingly hilarious in the future.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to the botanic gardens tomorrow so my girlfriend can break up with me.

I think I'm getting an ear infection. I've had a stabby-stabby pain in my right ear since this morning that eventually extended down into my jaw and up into my brain-area, giving me a headache on top of the ear pain. I'm also supposed to be going out tomorrow night.

Oh, how I will lul if I'm staggering around tomorrow night not because of inebriation - as is my god-given right! - but because of an actual malady.

Better yet really, knowing me, it'll be a mix of the two. Alcohol kills the pain, right?

Read this:

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/2009/06/10/this-used-to-be-angelina-jolie/#more-1264

Did this:



DO NOT WANT

And my friends don't understand why I don't wanna hit dat.